Beth and Traci and Traci’s Girl Crush
Dear Kay Arthur,
Can’t get you out of my head, baby. It’s been weeks since we were introduced (via videotape, but a gal can dream) at College Park Church, and still your words ring in my head. Kudos to you for rightly placing the blame with the victim: “What was Bathsheba doing taking a bath on the roof? We don’t know; the scripture doesn’t say. But men are visual, ladies.”
Heavens, yes, and as you said, “there was nothing wrong with [David's] passions being inflamed; he’s a man.” But I am not and am wondering whether it’s okay that my own passions are inflamed. Please advise.
Should — God forbid — any untoward behavior from a man fall into your life, we will know it was your fault. As you said, 90% of American women dress to inspire lust. And you illustrated that with the long slit in your skirt, the one that so coyly reached up your thigh.
Your thigh, Kay Arthur. So glad you stated that “temptation is not a sin,” because I am tempted mightily. And so afraid of giving in: “Whatever the sin,” you said, “with every taste you increase the appetite for more.”
I will stay strong, Kay Arthur. For you, for us.
Oh, I might get away with it for one sweet moment — “God’s rod of judgment does not always come immediately.” — but “God is going to hold us accountable.”
I think he already is. My roof is leaking.
And he’s holding all of us accountable in bigger ways: “I believe God is bringing his rod of judgment on the United States.” Our idolatry, you told us, our immorality have created our nation’s economic woes. How astute of you to see through war and economic policy to the creator’s dislike of belly shirts at the center of it all.
Your powers of analysis are hot, Kay Arthur.
Won’t you be mine?
Kisses,
Traci
Comment by: benjamin ady
1 03/13/08 9:35 AM | Comment Link |Perfect =)
Comment by: karen
2 03/13/08 10:40 AM | Comment Link |ROTFLMAO! :-)
Comment by: Beth
3 03/13/08 11:24 AM | Comment Link |Beautiful. Way to raise the bar. (Get it?)
Comment by: Sarah
4 03/13/08 11:28 AM | Comment Link |It’s lines like “God’s rod of judgment does not always come immediately” that keep me out of church these days. ‘Cause having the ushers escort you out for snort-laughing isn’t fun for any of us.
Traci, you make me laugh!
Comment by: Traci
5 03/13/08 11:42 AM | Comment Link |Thanks, Sarah.
God’s rod makes me laugh. GOD’S ROD.
Oh, Kay Arthur. The surely sinful things your righteous indignation does to me . . .
Comment by: Sarah
6 03/13/08 12:54 PM | Comment Link |I just want to know - will our belly shirts (or Kay Arthur’s thighs) make GOD’S ROD come more quickly?
When my brother-in-law was in junior high, a visiting evangelist preached an entire sermon about proper handling of your “sword” (meaning the Bible, of course). He went into great detail about how you should handle your sword frequently, keep it polished, and keep it out where the world can see it. But the best part was where the sermon “climaxed” with the evangelist shouting “COME! COME NOW, Lord Jesus!!!”
Are we supposed to be responsible for not reading dirty things into sermons, or does the speaker have an obligation to edit for the things your average 9th-grade boy would laugh at?
Or maybe it’s better that they don’t edit so that Traci can have better blog fodder. :-)
Comment by: Helen
7 03/13/08 12:54 PM | Comment Link |Traci this is very heartfelt but what hope have you with an esteemed Bible teacher such as Kay? Eloquent as you are, I fear that your love is doomed to be unrequited.
Comment by: Traci
8 03/13/08 1:20 PM | Comment Link |D’OH. I wrote “Saul” when I meant “David.” It’s fixed now. I’ll never win over sweet Kay Arthur with mistakes like that.
I can’t believe none of you churchies or former churchies called me on it.
Comment by: karen
9 03/13/08 1:33 PM | Comment Link |I noticed that little error, but I was laughing too much to point it out. ;-)
Man, it’s a good thing my teenaged boys don’t go to church anymore. They pick up on every single, remote, far-fetched double entendre they hear, and then they elbow each other and guffaw: “That’s what SHE said!” Hardy, har, har.
If they sat through a sermon about god’s rod or sword polishing, I swear they would have to be carried out of the sanctuary.
Comment by: Helen
10 03/13/08 1:51 PM | Comment Link |I thought you were showing your extensive knowledge of the Bible by mentioning two passages, Traci.
Comment by: Traci
11 03/13/08 2:17 PM | Comment Link |Please. I haven’t made it past page 1 of that book. I imagine Kay Arthur reading it to me in a shady picnic spot while I feed her grapes.
Comment by: Helen
12 03/13/08 2:31 PM | Comment Link |I see a different picture: Kay Arthur by herself praying God will lead you not into any more temptation and will deliver you from evil.
(I don’t know whether she’s wearing her split skirt - the picture isn’t that clear)
Comment by: Claudia
13 03/14/08 8:08 AM | Comment Link |Just checked out some Kay Arthur on the old YouTube, and that’s not a girl crush, Traci–that’s a full-grown W-O-M-A-N.
She repeated a few times, too, that “love is obedience,” so you may want to make sure you decide on a safe word.
Comment by: pamhogeweide
14 03/14/08 9:17 AM | Comment Link |ok, i laughed out loud when i read this, traci! effin hilarious!
are you for real that miss kay with all her fancy schmancy bible slinging put the blame on darlin’ bathsheeba for that romp with davey? no flippin’ way!
as for the whole rod of judgment thingy (hear my son and his friend snickering in the background, ’she said thingy’) well, um, yeah, it’s kind of pervy isn’t it.
great read this morning. you crack me up.
get it. crack.
Comment by: benjamin ady
15 03/14/08 10:04 AM | Comment Link |I think that was “Love is an act of obedience”
Reminds me of that rather “naughty” book which I used to sneak peeks at as a child which was on the bookshelves of all the couples in our church–Tim and Beverly Lahaye’s (Yes, Tim Lahaye of “Left Behind” fame) “The Act of of Marriage”.
;-p
Honestly, I’d never seen her before but a comment above led me to youtube her. And she’s not really all that hot, honestly.
And even if she *was*, *my god*, I find her whole spiel unbelievably offputting. Reminds me of Hillary Clinton, and all the worst aspects of my relationship with my mom, and many of the worst bits of the experience of growing up in a superconservative right wing christian sect. Yuckola
What’s tres crazy is all the people on the web criticizing her for being basically too far left–too moderate/liberal. *That* is truly wild. You gotta love America.
Comment by: JM
16 03/14/08 2:28 PM | Comment Link |Oh, and by the way: Matthew 5:28-30
Turns out temptation IS a sin.
Comment by: Claudia
17 03/14/08 2:45 PM | Comment Link |Nicely done, JM!
And people say the all the gore in the Bible’s limited to the OT.
Benjamin, thanks for catching my sloppy transcribing–altho the right phrase sounds even more to me like latex should be involved.
The “naughty” book in my very secular, very Boomer-led house growing up, btw, was the now sadly out of print National Lampoon satire ‘The Job of Sex.’ Turns out there are all kinds of ways to scar a child…
Comment by: karen
18 03/14/08 6:08 PM | Comment Link |Oh, you’re kidding me! That is hilarious. No matter how far you get, there’s always someone willing to go one step crazier, I guess.
Comment by: Kathy
19 03/15/08 9:01 AM | Comment Link |BETH, How edified are you now?
Why don’t we post this at Grace’s web page for all to see how edifying it is?
Comment by: Traci
20 03/16/08 6:12 AM | Comment Link |I’d sure like for Kay Arthur to edify me.
Rrrrawr!
Comment by: benjamin ady
21 03/16/08 3:35 PM | Comment Link |Now wait a minute. There’s a difference between temptation and *looking*! Looking is what Traci is doing toward Kay Arthur. And temptation, no doubt, is what Kay Arthur is experiencing with regards to Traci. See the difference?