So Little Hospitality for Children…
In a recent post at OrdinaryAttempts, Susie Smith wrote…
I  suppose this is more of a “how NOT to reach someone†story. I was at work last night and someone was talking about how it is obvious that in some families, the children are in charge…
She was talking about a young family at her church who had a young daughter who sat in the pew chewing on her finger and how disrespectful that was.
She went on about how there is church behavior and children should be expected to sit quietly and attentively.
I was listening and thinking #1: I am relieved that I do not attend her church, and #2: we had such a hard time getting our now 7-year-old to behave during worship!
He can be quite a handful and NOW he sits quietly and reads a book or plays with a quiet toy. But at first he was loud and we had to take him out repeatedly. I would leave church almost in tears nearly every Sunday.
I bet there were people who had all sorts of thoughts about me and my parenting then. And plenty of people who wouldn’t approve of the book or the toys now.
We need to give each other the benefit of the doubt a little more.
I was doing the best that I could.
And if we see a parent struggling with a child’s behavior, then ask how to HELP!Â
I didn’t have the nerve to say any of this to the woman at work…
I really feel for Susie here. I’ve heard a lot of similar comments, many directed at me when I was younger. I loved to draw during church, and there was no children’s service or Sunday School at the little country church we attended for some time.
As a lifelong nail biter, I’m also offended that church can’t be a safe place for us (and especially our children!) to have their little habits tolerated.
I never commented on the ghastly perfume, saved over from pre-World War I, that one lady used to wear…
All I can think of is the word “Hospitality,” and how little place it has in our society today, much less our churches.
Comment by: Peter Walker
1 11/24/06 1:31 PM | Comment Link |Yes, because children find theology and ecclesiology deeply interesting. Especialy before age 10.
Comment by: Helen
2 11/24/06 2:29 PM | Comment Link |Peter, did the members of your church have problems with you drawing in church? Did your pencil make too much noise on the paper, or what?
In some churches I suspect the adults are probably as bored as the children but are too polite to act out like bored children do ;)
Comment by: benjamin ady
3 11/25/06 12:06 AM | Comment Link |Me! I think the way churches act towards children can mega suck. At the last church we were in, our children were a little noisy in one of the services, and the pastor called us up later that week to *rebuke* and *exhort* us. I think he was a little surprised when we told him what we thougth about that. A few weeks ago, I went to the little church just up the street from our house, and it was *so* great. There were lots of kids in the service, and people smiled at them when they made a little noise, and they had a children’s service right in the middle of the main service where all the kids were invited to come and sit down in the front and someone did a small children’s lesson for them right there. very very kewl.
Comment by: Jim
4 11/25/06 8:38 AM | Comment Link |On Thanksgiving Day, while attending an Orthodox Church I found myself delighted to see small children in the arms of the their parents - usually dads, but occasionally escaped and “visiting” around the congregation (who stand for the whole service). It was never distracting - just made you more aware of the richness of our lives for which we were giving thanks.
It was a poignant service in that it was the anniversary of the last liturgy celebrated by a beloved priest who now sleeps in Christ. At the end of that service, some years ago, he added some personal thanksgivings. The final words - “and for the children, the dear children, the NOISE of children, I am so grateful to God.”
I believe he was seeing the children as Christ saw them, as we need to see them, as the closest of all of us to the Kingdom of Heaven.
Comment by: Helen
5 11/25/06 3:44 PM | Comment Link |Jim, it’s wonderful to hear of children being so welcomed and thanks being given for their noise!
Thanks for your comment.
Comment by: Pete Strobel
6 11/25/06 8:13 PM | Comment Link |Our congregation invites the children to stay during the first half of the service: Praise songs and Hymns, Prayers, and (perhaps?) Offering, but then they are excused to attend a child-oriented “Super Church” lesson and activity (because they are so active). It works wonderfully. Children are NEVER discouraged or tsk-tsked by the overly-proper sorts. They aren’t required to go, but the option is there that 92.5% of the children grab (excepting, of course, my daughter who has always sat raptly involved with the sermon, even when she was 8 or 9). But then again, our congregation has always been pretty “laid back”. [Coffee is a frequent beverage of choice during the sermon.]
Is it possible, or rather, have any of you encountered a church/congregation whose worship services are too “laid back”: too casual that you had difficulty feeling or sensing that people took worship seriously?
That’s a question that comes in from the other angle.
Comment by: John Stuart
7 11/26/06 12:44 AM | Comment Link |You all need to read “The Jesus of Surburbia” by Mike Erre.
Being “laid back” during worship is a modern form of idolatry. It’s so insidious in our culture that we don’t see the false Christ we are worshiping.
And the only one who should be rating churches is God.
Comment by: Peter Walker
8 11/26/06 10:55 AM | Comment Link |John, you sound very angry. I’d like to know more about you. Where you’re from, what your background is, what your passions are.
In the meantime, I’m going to repost this and see what comes out - thanks for stopping by.
Comment by: benjamin ady
9 11/26/06 4:38 PM | Comment Link |John,
I’m opting out of the antecedent for the “you” in your “you all need”. I’d love to hear more about what *you* need from *you*.
Comment by: Pastor David
10 11/29/06 9:01 AM | Comment Link |Jeez, can’t get here to keep up with the posts for just a little while, and then things start getting interesting.
1) A quiet, contemplative service is not condusive to bringing families into the church — and neither are families with young children conducive to to quiet contemplative worship.
The tragedy is the assumption that one way is right, and one way is wrong. If one either (a) wants to attract families with small children or (b) has a lot of small children at the main worship service, then it is probably not wise to move toward a quiet, contemplative worship style for the main service. Maybe for evening service it would be better.
(2) The idea that children should be like small adults — able to sit quietly and attentively through anything an adult can sit through — is a psychological mistake. Children are CHILDREN. They need permission to be children — curious and inquisitive (which means asking questions), not yet used to their bodies (which means talking too loud), etc.
(3) Yes, some parents do under-discipline and over-indulge their children. There have always been parents who do that. But any preacher/liturgist worth his or her salt can roll with an out of control kid in service. And the more welcomed the parents/child are made to feel, the more the situation will correct itself.
Comment by: Doug
11 01/14/07 10:47 AM | Comment Link |Children we say are a gift of God and yet, we act like they are not. I am not talking about culture but the church. I have endured far too much complaining about children’s behavior and very little on how to teach children. I am reminded when the disciples were trying to keep the kids away from Jesus (perhaps they would distract him or that he had more important things to do) and yet Jesus made it his point to stop and focus on children. We in the church must learn to read again the passage and follow the example of Jesus and not the disciples. I pray my children will find more people like Jesus in church.
Comment by: Helen
12 01/15/07 7:15 AM | Comment Link |Thanks Doug. Yes, it’s interesting how Jesus treated children compared to how we often do and compared with what his disciples expected.
I think you will know who is like Jesus in this way, in church, because they will be surrounded by children.
I have seen some people like this in church and I am profoundly grateful to all the people in church who have been kind to my own children.